Edible Quotes
"'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'."
Dave Barry
"A good cook is like a sorceress who dispenses happiness."
Elsa Schiaparelli
"A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart who looks at her watch."
James Beard
"A winkle is just a bogey with a crash helmet on."
Mick Miller
"After a good dinner one can forgive anybody, even one's own relatives."
Oscar Wilde
"Anyone who eats three meals a day should understand why cookbooks out-sell sex books three to one."
L. M. Boyd
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
Jo Brand
"Artichokes ...
are just plain annoying ...
After all the trouble you go to, you get about as much actual 'food' out of eating an artichoke as you would from licking thirty or forty postage stamps.
Have the shrimp cocktail instead."
Miss Piggy
"As viscous as motor oil swirled in a swamp, redolent of burnt bell peppers nested in by incontinent mice and a finish reminiscent of the dregs of a stale can of Coca-Cola that someone has been using as an ashtray.
Not a bad drink, though."
Wine Tasting by T. A. Nonymous
"Dining is and always was a great artistic opportunity."
Frank Lloyd Wright
"I hate people who are not serious about their meals."
Oscar Wilde
"Don't sneeze in front of mum when you're eating crackers."
Mitchell, aged 12
"Don't take a butcher's advice on how to cook meat.
If he knew, he'd be a chef."
Andy Rooney
"Eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside."
Mark Twain
"Everything you see I owe to spaghetti."
Sophia Loren
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet."
Fran Lebowitz
"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day."
Anon
"Health food makes me sick."
Calvin Trillin
"How can you govern a country which has 246 varieties of cheese?"
Charles De Gaulle
"I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it."
Steven Wright
"I come from a home where gravy is a beverage."
Erma Bombeck
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."
Steven Wright
"I like children - fried."
W.C. Fields
"I like my coffee like I like my women.
In a plastic cup."
Eddie Izzard
"I mixed this myself.
Two parts H, one part O.
I don't trust anybody!"
Steven Wright - Referring to a glass of water.
"I pray that death may strike me in the middle of a large meal.
I wish to be buried under the tablecloth between four large dishes."
Marc Desuagiers
"I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time."
Steven Wright
"I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific."
Steven Wright
"I went to a restaurant that serves 'Breakfast at any time'.
So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."
Steven Wright
"I will not eat oysters.
I want my food dead - not sick, not wounded - dead."
Woody Allen
"I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades.
I've lost a total of 789 pounds.
By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet."
Erma Bombeck
"Ice-cream is exquisite.
What a pity it isn't illegal."
Voltaire
"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."
Steven Wright
"If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, talks like a duck,
it probably needs a little more time in the microwave."
Lori Dowdy
"If the soup had been as warm as the wine,
if the wine had been as old as the turkey,
and if the turkey had had a breast like the maid,
it would have been a swell dinner."
Duncan Hines
"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet.
What happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"
Steven Wright
"If you're going to America, bring your own food."
Fran Lebowitz
"In Spain, attempting to obtain a chicken salad sandwich,
you wind up with a dish whose name,
when you look it up in your Spanish-English dictionary,
turns out to mean: Eel with big abscess."
Dave Barry
"Is Elizabeth Taylor fat?
Her favourite food is seconds."
Joan Rivers
"It takes some skill to spoil a breakfast - even the English can't do it."
John Kenneth Galbraith
"It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it."
W. C. Fields
"Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table.
They couldn't help me."
Steven Wright
"My advice if you insist on slimming:
Eat as much as you like-just don't swallow it."
Harry Secombe
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four.
Unless there are three other people."
Orson Welles
"Never eat more than you can lift."
Miss Piggy
"Never serve oysters in a month that has no paycheck in it."
P. J. O'Rourke
"Never trust a dog to watch your food."
Patrick, aged 10
"Nouvelle Cuisine, roughly translated, means:
I can't believe I paid ninety-six dollars and I'm still hungry."
Mike Kalin
"Old people shouldn't eat health foods.
They need all the preservatives they can get."
Robert Orben
"Our lives are not in the lap of the gods, but in the lap of our cooks."
Lin Yutang
"Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic-Tac."
Andrew, aged 9
"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana.
The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are."
Matt Lauer
"Seize the moment.
Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart."
Erma Bombeck
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage.
We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week.
A little candlelight dinner, soft music and dancing.
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henny Youngman
"Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full.
I say, are you going to drink that?"
Lisa Claymen
"The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
Steven Wright
"The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread."
Steven Wright
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served the family nothing but leftovers.
The original meal has never been found."
Calvin Trillin
"The next time you feel like complaining, remember that your garbage disposal probably eats better than 30 percent of the people in the world."
Robert Orben
"The perfect lover is one who turns into pizza at 4am."
Charles Pierce
"The rich would have to eat money if the poor did not provide food"
Russian proverb
"The second day of a diet is always easier than the first.
By the second day you're off it."
Jackie Gleason
"There is no love sincerer than the love of food."
George Bernard Shaw
"There is one thing more exasperating than a wife who can cook and won't,
and that's a wife who can't cook and will."
Robert Frost
"This recipe is certainly silly.
It says to separate two eggs, but it doesn't say how far to separate them."
Gracie Allen
"To eat well in England you should have breakfast three times a day."
W. Somerset Maugham
"Watermelon - it's a good fruit.
You eat, you drink, you wash your face."
Enrico Caruso
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
Henny Youngman
"When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping.
Men invade another country.
It's a whole different way of thinking."
Elaine Boosler
"When you cook it should be an act of love.
To put a frozen bag in the microwave for your child is an act of hate."
Raymond Blanc
"Who bothers to cook TV dinners?
I suck them frozen."
Woody Allen
"Work is the curse of the drinking classes."
Oscar Wilde
"You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label."
Mark Twain
"You can't have everything.
Where would you put it?"
Steven Wright
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